First off, I am a total (recovering) people pleaser myself - and there's no shame in that. I want to share my experiences and learnings to help you if you feel this is a growth area.
Is it selfish to focus on OURSELVES?
In the words of the wise (and beautiful) Audrey Hepburn, "As we grow older, we realize that we have two hands, the first for helping ourselves, the other for helping others up".
Why prioritise our own wellbeing?
This blog will walk you through the 'how to' of PRIORITISING our own wellbeing, self-leadership before helping others. And in a leadership context, the awkward process of allowing others to sometimes fail, on the way to succeeding!
My own experience:
I have spent a lot of my professional life helping others, enabling success, supporting and encouraging people to be their best selves. Both as a leader in the corporate and agency world, and now as the owner of a Wellington based leadership coaching and workshop/training business, for over a decade.
I am the first to admit, I wasn't very good at doing this for myself for MANY years. I had to UNLEARN my thinking habits, negotiate with my own limiting beliefs and befriend my inner critic. These days (after a LOT of self-work) life and self-leadership feel pretty good.
Are you good at putting yourself and your own needs FIRST?
Here’s my top 3 insights to work out if this is YOU (even subconsciously) - and what to do or say instead:
1. Do you say YES when you mean NO?
Super common, especially if your life often feels like a juggle. You're always too busy/overstretched/managing and succeeding - so what's one extra thing to help someone out? At some point, this one extra thing is the straw that breaks the camel's back. Over time, this can lead to exhaustion, decision fatigue, even burn out. And resentment (even when we said yes!).
What to do instead: Get in a new HABIT by saying, "Let me check my schedule/dairy and get back to you". Or I'd love to help, but it will be mid-week next week before I can get to this. Perhaps Joe can help?".
The WIN: Prioritizing OUR needs (and our own priorities) means we get to feel accomplished, and like we are making progress against the never-ending to-do list.
2. Do you feel GUILTY or like you're letting others down if you can't help or fix something for them?
Classic people pleasing cycle, we are NOT failing if we do not have the bandwidth to fix things for everyone else. But we WILL FAIL if we keep doing this. People pleasers are generally kind folks who like to be helpful, it may come from a childhood pattern of favorable feedback when helping out.
What to say (to yourself) instead: I am ALWAYS doing my best (whatever that looks like). Today my best is just getting through my day and finishing my own priorities.
The WIN: Catching that 'guilty' thought and replacing it with a better one. "Today I focused on my priority, and if they are still stuck tomorrow, and I have time, I can offer to help".
3. You feel that it's SELFISH to focus on your own needs above other peoples:
I've totally been here too, especially when I had two babies under two at 42! This is common in people with children - and also those who do not but have a tendency to help others more than themselves (this was me before kids too).
What to say (to yourself): Harsh but true, if I fall apart, I am not going to be able to help anyone! And I have a responsibility to myself (primarily, and to others who will copy what I DO!) not to let that happen. It's the old, put your own oxygen mask on first scenario.
The win: People see you taking control of your life, setting boundaries appropriately and think, she's got it all worked out. We model what we do to everyone around us. So be aware of what you model as your team (or kids) will likely pick things up.
As I often say, any one of us can change a habit. Even a truly ingrained one.
Believing YOU CAN is half the battle. And CHOOSING to try something new may be life life-changing.
Lead in a way that enables your team to think for themselves!
This tip comes as much from discussions with me teenagers (now 18&16) as it does my corporate experience in leadership and now leadership coaching sessions and workshops.
As high performing LEADERS we may sometimes hold the reins too tightly. This comes up a lot in leadership sessions - often people aren't even aware they are doing it so I thought I'd share some insights.
High performing TEAMS embrace challenges, are good problem solvers and meet or exceed targets. If we want a growth mindset in our teams, we need to let people (sometimes) fail on the way to succeeding. This builds new skills and resilience in them (and us).
The risk of overmanaging your team:
- capable people can feel micromanaged (or patronized)
- you hold a lot of knowledge in your head (!) (a liking for control or perfectionism can lead to this)
- you may be at capacity, but the team may be hungry for a challenge or opportunities to build new skills or even bored!
What to aim for instead:
1. BRIEF them on what's required. Avoid wading in with a fully formed solution.
2. ASK people for their ideas and insights first.
3. Let them know your VALUE their input
4.Support them through the process and of course, get sight of and approval for anything that requires it before it goes live.
5. Ensure the team culture is based on collaborative success - at least some of the time. Giving others the responsibility not only empowers them, but gives you more time for strategy, reflection and personal and professional development in your own role! Win-win!
I hope you've enjoyed this edition, feel free to get in touch below.
Nga mihi nui, till next time!
Vicky
If you're curious to learn more about having someone in your corner, someone who has led teams, managed large accounts and started a successful business, let's talk.
To book a session (complimentary 30 mins to see if I offer what you need), click the link to book a slot in my diary:vickyevans.com/book