I hear this a lot. My clients often come to me to work on their career, but here’s the thing, as careers start to progress, often we notice areas of discontent in other parts of our lives. So let’s paint a picture which may resonate with some of you. You live with your partner, you may or may not have children but you live in a rhythm which for some is a comfortable habit and that’s great, for others it’s become a habitual sense of inertia or even an endurance test.
Our thoughts can be sneaky, I often hear clients talk about their partners as if they are trying to convince themselves to stay – after all that’s ‘easier’ isn’t it? No conflict, not who gets what, no impact on the children….all of those things are massive and require a lot off consideration but an unhappy marriage or partnership isn’t a great place for you or your kids either.
So if someone asks you how your relationship is going and you’ve ever head yourself say, “He’s a good father” (and thought but not the love of my life),
or “we like some of the same things” (when its limited to we both breathe and eat!) or “we stay together for the children” think a little harder about it. If your predominant feeling is one of frustration or discontent its worth considering these five questions:
- Does being with him light me up (make me feel more alive)?
- Do his or her core values align with mine (do you have conflict over things you care a lot about)
- Does this relationship help me to grow as a person (does he or she encourage you)
- Does this relationship have good in it for others (this maybe your kids or the long suffering friends you moan to regularly!)
- Does this relationship inspire me to be bigger than I feel today? (do you feel supported no matter what)
There is a way to move forwards as individuals and to feel good about separating if it helps both of you answer the above questions positively. You can agree to be friends and mean it, you can remain friends and do things together in the knowledge that you have more of a sibling to sibling type of relationship (even if you irritate the cr*p out of each other sometimes) and see it working, even flourishing. This can even work if you are parents so long as you agree everything you want to be part of your joint lives moving forwards. You can be great parents and friends, I’ve seen it work enough times to know this to be true. A separation agreement via a lawyer can help with this and will cost you in the region of $1.5-3K.
I have recently separated from my husband of 10 years, and the father of my two wonderful children. He is an awesome father, we do enjoy doing some of the same things and he has encouraged me in my career. But, we didn’t tick all of each others boxes. We have begun again as friends and the children are learning about good parenting – despite a separation, how to deal with the emotions involved in change and that more than ever we love them both immensely. I wish him every success and will help and support him as we begin this new chapter apart but connected by the little lives we created.
I do still believe in truly, madly, deeply. If you do too, ask yourself this, does my relationship light me up, does the person I’m with share some of my core values, do they encourage and inspire me – and does our relationship impact positively on those around us. If you’d love to explore your longings or discontent or to really connect with what you’d LOVE as you step into 2018, use the contact me button below to qualify for a FREE 45 minute telephone or video consultation.
With love,Vicky